The Worst Things About Parenting, No. 3: Child-Proof Packaging

We’ve all been there: (1) child gets a toy, (2) child wants to open toy but cannot, (3) you try to open toy but cannot, (4) child loses mind.

Why are child-toy packages virtually indestructible? I’ve been told that this is for safety reasons. Really? When’s the last time your daughter received a doll that didn’t require a pocketknife to open it? How is that safer? It’s especially brutal when you don’t have a knife and are forced to do your best inmate impression and fashion a shiv out of aluminum foil and cardboard. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen adults — full grown and highly educated — come inches from gouging themselves trying to cut through unyielding super-plastic.

My favorite is when more than one grown up decides to tackle the job. You might get one dad give a solid 60 percent effort with a pair of keys. Nice try. He might hand it over to the dad with a Swiss Army knife (there’s always one), who might get through the first layer of plastic. Now, of course, all that’s left is a dozen gray twist-ties to get through.

After that, make sure to toss aside the ripped-opened package, which features razor-sharp plastic edges now.