The Worst Things About Parenting, No. 17: Nutshots

One of my daughter’s favorite parts of the day is our nightly walk. I strap her into the Baby Bjorn, and off we go with my dog leading the way through suburbia.

This used to be fun for me, too — until about a month or so ago, when my daughter grew to her current height/length. At this exact size, she is capable of delivering a perfectly angled back-heel kick to my testicles. She does this about a dozen times during our walks now.

As she hones her soccer skills on my junk, I think of all the times that we parents have been on the receiving end of violent shots to the midsection.

Moms aren’t immune. I’ve seen several changing sessions where kids audition for a role in a Jackie Chan film, seemingly out of nowhere. These kids, they know when our attention is diverted — even for a second.

I think the only people who have benefited from nutshots are Tom Bergeron and Bob Saget. They made nice careers out of laughing and pointing while dads were pummeled with baseballs, fireworks, model airplanes, flying produce, model rockets, birds and anything else that could smash sperm. I can’t blame them. I watched America’s Funniest Home Videos, and I too laughed at the one where the kid hit the baseball off the batting tee, and… well, they’re all the same, it doesn’t matter.

Now, thanks to the internet, we have a new generation of nutshot vids. I consider these kinds of videos one of the pillars of the internet, alongside porn, pictures of cats and political ramblings. Without these four cornerstones, the internet would crumble.

My goal is to avoid getting nailed on video, and becoming another YouTube statistic. My daughter’s goal? I believe it’s to cause enough damage so that she can be an only child.