The Worst Things About Parenting, No. 5: Gwyneth Paltrow

This post was written on the one-month anniversary of one of the most tragic days in parenting history: The day Gwyneth Paltrow described a day in her life on her GOOP website.

It’s not worth reading, unless you can keep yourself from slamming your keyboard as a millionaire writes things like, “When I got downstairs this morning at the crack of whenever, the coffee machine said ‘ERROR 8’ and wouldn’t let me make the cup I had been dreaming about. This begs the question: is it odd to dream yourself to sleep thinking about the next morning’s coffee? Not a good beginning.”

How, Gwyneth, do you find the strength to go on?

She later writes: “Getting everyone into the car on time was a challenge; we’re going through a phase where no one seems to be responding to me (‘Time to put on your shoes’ … No response.)” Listen to me, Apple and Moses! Don’t ignore me like when I WAS A FATPERSON IN SHALLOW HAL! (sobs uncontrollably, wins Oscar)

It’s not enough to bash her for being a wealthy person who complains about seemingly trivial things (there are some pretty good takedowns of her ramblings here (NSFW) and here). There’s nothing wrong with a cup of Haterade to start the day. And in the context of what most parents deal with financially, she sounds frighteningly ignorant of commonfolk (in a recent GOOP post, she suggests people buy $82 “summer” pajamas). And I sure hope she didn’t have to add any extra time in her busy day to see a chiropractor for talking down to her readers so vigorously.

But the fact that she’s out there writing this kind of stuff is what makes this awful. People have read this, and they will tell you that you should give your kids lemon-flavored flax oil only because she uses it. Those $82 pajamas? Someone is going to buy those, and make sure to tell you that Gwenyth Paltrow’s kid wears them. You probably already know a parent like this, and the Gwyneth Paltrows of the world only make them stronger.

If only it said ERROR 8 on Paltrow’s computer that morning, we wouldn’t have suffered through all of this.