The Worst Things About Parenting, No. 5: Gwyneth Paltrow

This post was written on the one-month anniversary of one of the most tragic days in parenting history: The day Gwyneth Paltrow described a day in her life on her GOOP website.

It’s not worth reading, unless you can keep yourself from slamming your keyboard as a millionaire writes things like, “When I got downstairs this morning at the crack of whenever, the coffee machine said ‘ERROR 8’ and wouldn’t let me make the cup I had been dreaming about. This begs the question: is it odd to dream yourself to sleep thinking about the next morning’s coffee? Not a good beginning.”

How, Gwyneth, do you find the strength to go on?

She later writes: “Getting everyone into the car on time was a challenge; we’re going through a phase where no one seems to be responding to me (‘Time to put on your shoes’ … No response.)” Listen to me, Apple and Moses! Don’t ignore me like when I WAS A FATPERSON IN SHALLOW HAL! (sobs uncontrollably, wins Oscar)

It’s not enough to bash her for being a wealthy person who complains about seemingly trivial things (there are some pretty good takedowns of her ramblings here (NSFW) and here). There’s nothing wrong with a cup of Haterade to start the day. And in the context of what most parents deal with financially, she sounds frighteningly ignorant of commonfolk (in a recent GOOP post, she suggests people buy $82 “summer” pajamas). And I sure hope she didn’t have to add any extra time in her busy day to see a chiropractor for talking down to her readers so vigorously.

But the fact that she’s out there writing this kind of stuff is what makes this awful. People have read this, and they will tell you that you should give your kids lemon-flavored flax oil only because she uses it. Those $82 pajamas? Someone is going to buy those, and make sure to tell you that Gwenyth Paltrow’s kid wears them. You probably already know a parent like this, and the Gwyneth Paltrows of the world only make them stronger.

If only it said ERROR 8 on Paltrow’s computer that morning, we wouldn’t have suffered through all of this.

  • Anonymous

    That article was un-freaking-believable. I can’t even watch her on Glee now.

    • NewBourneIdentity

      Same here! And let’s not even talk about her ripping off Cee Lo, and getting more airplay on the radio. Just not right.

  • Kristina Brown

    Although I admit to scoff at movie stars often, it still seems harsh to bash her for complaining that her kids don’t listen. She is a parent after all, like a lot of us, facing the same awful parenting conflicts as the rest of us. She should at least be allowed to complain about it publicly like we all do on our blogs. I do, however, want to punch her for suggesting $82 summer pajamas… that’s just blasting it in our faces that she’s rich!

  • divorcedpauline

    Thank you, you cracked me up.

  • Roxanne Piskel

    I’d never seen GOOP before, so I clicked the link. I read for about five seconds and I was over it. Like she should get over herself.

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  • Nicole Morgan

    Oh, I love this – what a post to link up for today’s Time Travel Tuesday xxx

  • jayedee in the lost world

    dang! if the worst she has to deal with is her children not listening or *horror* error 8 on her coffee maker…what the hell is error 8 anyway? i mean i plug in the old mr coffee and it makes coffee…if it doesn’t its broken and i go to walmart for a new one.  error 8? i should be so lucky to only deal with my kids don’t listen and error 8!

  • Jdaniel4smom

    Stopping from Time Travel Tuesday! I don’t think I have ever had pajamas that were that expensive.

  • Melissa

    Ha, the world’s smallest violin is playing for poor G. God forbid her nanny ever show up late! That would be horrific! Stopping by from the time travel. 

  • Betty82

    The fact that all you idiots and the fool who wrote this, all whinge more about even smaller things then Gwyneth has said on facebook on a daily basis!  This post a pile of shit. shut up about your kids… no one cares. Get your own life and quit living through your children.

    • ChiMomWriter

      We appreciate you taking the time to look around the site. Thanks so much for reading.

  • Chrissie B DiAngelus

    Funny…but…I also say, if there are people who are THAT impressionable and insecure, women, mothers, whomever, to believe that they need whatever Gweneth endorses, then it’s less about Gweneth and more about how society percolates celebrity crap like that.  It’s about the magazine or blog that publishes it, knowing they have this obsessed but pathetic audience who will read it.  Sadly I know too many pathetic women that are defined by this sort of crap.  I don’t think they’ve ever trusted themselves to make a decision on their own. 

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