50 Shades of I Totally Don’t Get It

I swear I don’t think about porn as often as I write about it, but I’m starting to seriously question my mental and sexual fitness, because I was left sweaty and panting reading “The Help” during all the scenes where the woman of the house didn’t have to do anything except have her friends over for tea parties, while she paid someone else almost nothing to polish all her silverware, cook all her meals, clean up her house and take care of all her children. For a more in depth analysis of how erotic that was for me, you can read all about it here.

So when I recently borrowed my coworker’s copy of “50 Shades of Grey”, I thought it might be dangerous in my hands given how easily excitable I am by seemingly innocuous best selling fiction. But it was not to be.

I’m embarrassed to admit this, but the only moaning coming from my lips after reading that book was about how crappily conceived it was.  And you can tell by my use of “crappily” that I am pretty much a master writer and literary critic, but I must confess that I really wanted to tear my eyes out of their sockets to spare them the agony of reading such drivel. What is wrong with me? America has voted. And this book is supposed to be the ‘feel good’ book of the century. People are even reading beyond this first one.

To be fair to me and 50 Shades, I didn’t read from page one. I opened the book somewhere randomly in the hopes that I would find myself in the middle of all the enticing erotica I was hearing about from just about everybody on the planet.  I got myself in a quiet, private place ready for my whole world to change over the story about some rich dude who likes rough sex with college age virgins.  I don’t have a lot of time, so I just wanted to get right to the point and induce a nice, healthy orgasm so I could get back to the business of loading the dishwasher for the second time that day and I didn’t have to interrupt my husband while he was watching golf all of our kids.

Lucky for me, the page I opened to was in the middle of what appeared to be a sex scene.  But I only got through about six sentences before nausea set in, and then headache formed behind my eyes by the fourth paragraph and finally by the third page, I really thought my nose or ears were going to start bleeding, or maybe I was having a stroke Jill Bolte Taylor style.  Not because of the subject matter, but because of the writing. I was so distracted by how dumb the chick appeared to be, how unbelievable the dude was, and how badly the author overused every cliche in the universe, I just couldn’t get past it. I couldn’t just forget that I’ve read thousands of books by people who can write and push through to concentrate on the sex part. I was (and still am) very disappointed with myself.

But I really tried. I swear. “Concentrate!” I warned myself. “Focus on the stuff that is supposed to be arousing! It’s time you got your freak on. Forget that your Diet Coke is getting warm downstairs, that you don’t really know where your toddler is and the property tax bill was due yesterday. Get over any notion you might have about realistic relationships and enjoy yourself.” But nooooo. All I could concentrate on was the inner dialogue that the girl was having and immediately an SNL parody popped into my head (not the one the actually did) and it just killed any chance of the sexual arousal I was trying desperately to manifest. 

The part I came in on went something like:  He got out of the shower and ordered me to the bed. He really likes me!! He pushed me down and I was naked. We’re really doing this. He told me to turn around. OMG. Yeah OMG is right.  This is so dumb. And so bad. And not in the Michael Jackson way.  I don’t know what I expected – I know nobody has compared it to James Joyce, but I guess for all the hype the book elicited, someone would have warned me how painful it is read porn written at a pre-kindergarten reading level.

To be fair to the now incredibly rich person who wrote this, I didn’t read the whole book. I didn’t even read 5% of it. I don’t even know the characters’ names, so you can be mad at me for passing judgement based on only a few pages, but in my defense, I value my eyeballs. Clawing them out is time consuming and impractical for a mother of three.  I need to be efficient  and I thought “50 Shades” would be a sure bet based on all the chatter.  Instead of a happy ending, I almost maimed myself.

So its back to “The Help” for me for those times I just need a little somethin’, somethin’ to get me through a tedious Saturday afternoon.  But surely there are other books out there with a flare for English and content for mature audiences that were not taken directly out of an 11 year old’s guess at what having a boyfriend might be like one day?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Emily-Harris-Montez/100000062836447 Emily Harris Montez

    I am so glad I am not the only one who thinks this!  Seriously, this is totally the transcript of a 5 for $10, bargain-bin porno DVD.  SO Awful.  Glad to know I am not just broken.  Gonna have to go check out The Help…

    • Kate Haney

       wait… where do I get 5 for $10 bargain-bin porno DVDs? (Dammit!)

      I only know one person who read it, and she said it was awful. I’m curious, but not curious enough to risk my eyeballs.

  • Vinobaby

    I wouldn’t have made it past page 20 if I wasn’t determined to see what all the hype was about — and determined to get a blog post out of how profoundly crappy it was.  Yet most of my “mommy friends” are totally obsessed with it. I blame it on the fact that Twilight was the first book they’d read since college. 

  • http://twitter.com/craftykrysia Krysia M

    I haven’t read 50 Shades.  I’m too cheap to purchase such a book and I’m patron 1351 on the waiting list for my library’s e-book.  I was recommended Outlander by Diana Gabaldon.  It’s supposed to be a great romance with great writing.

    • Mama Sully

       Thanks for the recommendation – I’ll get right on that!

    • Skkrwat

      Outlander is awesome!  It has quite a few books in the series and I enjoyed all of them!!

  • http://www.wholeironwoman.com Emily

    I thought I was the only person who thought this book was terrible. I read maybe 75 pages and put it down. Reminded me too much of Twilight – incredibly submissive lead female character. What happened to writing about strong, independent women?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=638214156 Jen Henderson

    Girrrrrrrrrrrrl, I couldn’t agree more.

  • Tina Wolf

    I read all three of the books and the one thing that it showed me was how sad the American culture is. There was no story line, all of the sex scenes were the same, and the books were poorly written. I am sad that I wasted my time and sad that a book like this is getting so much attention. I could read Harry Potter for the 5th time through and be more entertained.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1026254605 Brandi Wall

    I have to say, I never read any of the books, but from what I have gathered through many different outlets is the person just did Google searches. This is about BDSM or S&M and you cannot just Google the subject and think you will learn about it in 10 minutes then write. I have been living the lifestyle for over 12 years as a Dominant female and writing my own bit of fiction on the subject. Everything I am writing is based on my experiences in the lifestyle, not some internet search and Wikipedia learning. I am saddened by this persons attempt to make money off people and fill their heads with things that might not be true and when those people attempt to live the life portrayed in the books (girls in my office are reading it) they might get themselves hurt or they might be disappointed in the outcome because it is not the same as the lead female character in the book. I have heard that the character seems like an airhead blonde by more then 1 person that has read the first 2 books. As soon as I get time to finish my book I hope to have a much better review then this one. :-)

  • DiversWife

    Amen, amen, amen again!  I swear, it’s like you popped into my head after one of my rants about this tepid piece of quasi-literature!  Thank you, Mama Sully!

    I also agree w/ another post that recommended Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander series. HIGHLY recommend it!  You’ll be sad when you finally have to say goodbye to the characters.  

  • Ismycrazyshowing

    I love a variety of different types of books. Some are by true literary greats, some, not so much. I start each book in the hopes of being taken away to somewhere new, and either to feel something amazing or laugh or cry.
    I did read all three of these books, and while they were far outside my comfort zone, I enjoyed them.
    I am a happily married mom of three. I love my husband and I’m very attracted to him, but I’m so uncomfortable with my own body that our sex life suffered. For me, these books didn’t impress me as the best written, but they gave me a safe, private place to look past missionary and find my inner goddess!! My husband and I have had some incredible intimate times since I read the books. I’ve come out of my shell. To me, badly written or not, I’m calling it a win.
    Try to open your mind to what the books can do for you and your partner and not your intellect. Once in a while mindless fun is it’s own reward.

  • M L

    Heh. Funny — “he really likes me!” 

    Agreed. And I’m right there with ya: http://imissyouwheniblink.com/2012/04/03/fifty-shades-of-laundry-folded-neatly/

  • Lilrockstar78

    Have to agree with you. I too have attempted to read 50 shades but I did start at the beginning and I don’t think you should apologize. The writing isn’t good from the beginning and to me the initial sex scene was so far fetched that I stopped there and haven’t read on since. I keep thinking I’ll go back to it so I can see if maybe I’m missing something but I’m never able to pick it back up. Good thing it was a free download – I’d be pretty pissed if I’d actually paid for it.

  • Kat

    I read it. Ugh. She used the word “clamber” 22 times in the first novel. I know, because I had my Kindle count the occurences. They clambered into the helicopter, clambered into bed, clambered into … I don’t know, I gave up. I made it through volume 2. I think they must have gotten a better editor for volume 2, because the writing was less annoying, but the subject matter was just … OMG. Also, I couldn’t figure out the logistics of all the sex and the activities. They would have crazy sex, eat breakfast, have crazy sex, have more food, have crazy sex, dress for dinner, have crazy sex. There just isn’t that many hours in the day, and where was the personal hygiene? It got really weird.  

    • Mama Sully

       You are hilarious!

  • Mccordkate

    I love you. I have been trying to tell people!!! I thought I was the only one!!! Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/Wendy_Nielsen Wendy

    The best part of the whole book is at the very end when she tells him that he needs to sort his shit out — this comes after she let him beat her ass with a belt.  I understand the draw to the books (and yes, I’m now reading the second in the series) but I’m totally and 100% disturbed by the physical violence that turns this dude on.  I don’t find it hot at all.  
    In terms of the writing…YES!  It’s dreadful.  Someone needs to come up with an alternative list of “hot erotica lit” that aren’t torture to read!  There has to be some classics that are interesting and well written, right?

  • Bethany Varnum

    the cliches in this book made me want to vomit..it was like reading a terrible script for a latin soap opera.  the girl was the stupidest main character i have ever encountered…it was so boring…and not at all like the exciting, sexy read i was sure i’d find after all the hype.  are readers really this brain dead?

  • Pingback: push me

  • Pingback: do approve me

  • Pingback: trackback backlinks

  • Pingback: ??????

  • Pingback: Mauritius Holiday Accommodation

  • Pingback: www.palmyraholidays.com

  • Pingback: letmewatchthis

  • Pingback: letmewatchthis

  • Pingback: appliance repair Los Angeles

  • Pingback: custom challenge coins

  • Pingback: he has a good point

  • Pingback: Location Vacances Ile Maurice

  • Pingback: Go Here

  • Pingback: check this site

  • Pingback: jual pakaian dalam wanita

  • Pingback: avis remunere